No Turning Back

After many months of excuses being busy at work, I finally felt the hunger for spiritual food, so even if I was feeling ill from the constant headaches from a sleepless night, I pushed myself to church to see if anything can change my perspective today.

It’s been a year. The feeling was so nostalgic. I felt like I was a first timer who attended a Sunday service – knowing no one, having no clue of the program flow, and innocent about what salvation is. This is the same feeling I had a few years ago. As soon as I entered the worship hall, people were already singing. It was dark – only spot lights and colorful beams were there – people on stage singing. I knew the songs – I used to sing them, I used to listen to them. But what happened?

I have always defined “being busy” as prioritizing what matters, and apparently I was prioritizing worldly things – something I can’t call mine and something that is of no value. I tried to recall the excuses I had to make to skip Sunday services. I can recall the lies I made saying I’m fine when I’m not. I kept asking myself why I chose to stay behind a mask and did not ask for help about my situation. In short, I felt like I was the living behind in prison. I then started to ask myself — Did I really accept Jesus? Was I obedient to his command? Did I fulfill the mission? Am I listening to him? Do I really love him?

I closed my eyes for a little bit and asked that God would prepare my heart for worship – that He would let me forget about worries and just focus on Him today. I want him to come so eagerly into my presence and the moment I heard the song “Christ is Enough” by Hillsong, the world just suddenly disappeared, the worries I have started to go away, and the next thing I know was that my tears were already falling. I said “God, why did it take me so long to talk to you? Why did I close my door so suddenly? Why did I let myself concentrate on the worldly things? Why did I chose to earn everyone’s approval? Why did I keep seeking things that don’t exist when I know that you were always there?”

For a few minutes, I felt like I was restored, I felt His hand on my head trying to ease away the pain. I felt him whispering to me saying “Son, it will be alright”.

I guess we all have our “moments of realization”, but I think this is more of an intention rather than a circumstance of superficial “one day I woke up realizing…” 

God never left me. He was listening even if I was not talking to Him. He blessed me even if I was no longer giving my tithes. He guided me to be successful even if I was no longer glorifying Him in what I do. He accepted me even if I was going home bringing a bunch of problems. And it’s not because I ought to prove that I am entitled – but because I ought to prove that He is God – that His love is unconditional and that His love is forgiving.

This reminds me of the passage I have for today about the “New Life”

Ephesians 4:20-23

“But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”